It is no secret that my journey in being and remaining celibate has been a struggle. It is also one that I ultimately lost a few battles with. At the time it was so easy to succumb to my most primal of desires. Sex is like a drug because it activates the same hormone pathways in your brain. Naturally, I found myself guilt ridden and angry afterwards. I had managed to maintain my self control for 18 months, only to flush it all and be back at square one in a matter of minutes.
So why does it even matter so much? Well first there is the understanding that my situation won’t change until I do. In the process of deciding what things I yield some level of control over in life and what things I wanted to do differently, having a sexual relationship very easily ended up on the chopping block.
Even though I have a pretty healthy relationship with sex and my personal sexuality; I wanted a different relationship overall with sex itself. Sex in many ways I felt clouded my judgement. Being caught in the patriarchal paradigm of what it means in society for a woman to have the audacity to have had more than one partner can leave many a woman (myself included) locked in a less than favorable situation. Therefore in an effort to master myself, and also find the traits I value most in a mate, I put sex on the shelf.
So I’m sure some of are wondering if it was worth it. All I can say to that is in this instance satisfaction is subjective. In the moment was it enjoyable absolutely. Was it worth it in relation to my long-term goals and desires? Probably not.
The sexual encounter was an entirely selfish interaction. I was only concerned with I wanted in that moment there was no give and take. Its important to note that I’m not referring to a physical reciprocity, but rather an emotional one. I now see sex between two uncommitted people as an act of aggression. They both take something from each other they can never give back.
In the process of forgiving myself, I was able to reflect positively on the things I learned about myself through falling short of my goal temporarily. First I reminded myself that even though I was made perfectly my actions won’t always reflect that. I’m human and mistakes and failure come with the job description. Whether or not I learn from them or dwell in them is a choice. A competitor by design I can’t stand when I fall short, but the champion in me is always satisfied to finish. Even though I lost this round and let it drive me a bit bananas; I’m back on the wagon and not looking back.
