Tag: failure

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One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Fell Off the Celibacy Wagon……

It is no secret that my journey in being and remaining celibate has been a struggle.  It is also one that I ultimately lost a few battles with. At the time it was so easy to succumb to my most primal of desires. Sex is like a drug because it activates the same hormone pathways in your brain. Naturally, I found myself guilt ridden and angry afterwards.  I had managed to maintain my self control for 18 months, only to flush it all and be back at square one in a matter of minutes. 

So why does it even matter so much?  Well first there is the understanding that my situation won’t change until I do.  In the process of deciding what things I yield some level of control over in life and what things I wanted to do differently,  having a sexual relationship very easily ended up on the chopping block. 

Even though I have a pretty healthy relationship with sex and my personal sexuality; I wanted a different relationship overall with sex itself.  Sex in many ways I felt clouded my judgement.  Being caught in the patriarchal paradigm of what it means in society for a woman to have the audacity to have had more than one partner can leave many a woman (myself included) locked in a less than favorable situation.  Therefore in an effort to master myself, and also find the traits I value most in a mate,  I put sex on the shelf. 

So I’m sure some of are wondering if it was worth it. All I can say to that is in this instance satisfaction is subjective.  In the moment was it enjoyable absolutely.  Was it worth it in relation to my long-term goals and desires? Probably not. 

 The sexual encounter was an entirely selfish interaction.  I was only concerned with I wanted in that moment there was no give and take. Its important to note that I’m not referring to a physical reciprocity,  but rather an emotional one.  I now see sex between two uncommitted people as an act of aggression.  They both take something from each other they can never give back.

In the process of forgiving myself,  I was able to reflect positively on the things I learned about myself through falling short of my goal temporarily.  First I reminded myself that even though I was made perfectly my actions won’t always reflect that.  I’m human and mistakes and failure come with the job description.  Whether or not I learn from them or dwell in them is a choice. A competitor by design I can’t stand when I fall short, but the champion in me is always satisfied to finish. Even though I lost this round and let it drive me a bit bananas;  I’m back on the wagon and not looking back.  

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2 Successes and A Failure: Celebrating Me

Every year in October as I approach my earth-a-versary and personal New Years eve, I spend some time reflecting on the last year and most importantly measuring my growth and progress. Now if you’re all about besting yourself in the game of life like I am then I hope you celebrate the victories and the defeats.  Naturally over the course of 12 months I have more than 2 things occur that equal success and by far more than 1 failure.  Even though some of them may be small as the saying goes slow progress is better than no progress.

SUCCESS

1. Tear-less date night

Okay so that may have you thinking I’m crazy,  but its a real victory for me.  My first date after my relationship with my son’s dad dissolved and months after the birth of my son was great.  The gentleman who took me out was just that a gentleman.  He was kind and thoughtful, very attentive and of course handsome.  There was just one problem I wasn’t ready.

I unfortunately didn’t realize I wasn’t ready to date yet until I cried myself all the way home and ultimately to sleep.  I tried to pull my head out of my ass because I knew I would be missing out on someone amazing,  but eventually I had to just let it go.  He by no means deserved to be strung along while I got myself together,  lest known used a stepping stone to get there. He also didn’t deserve to be drug through my metal and emotional wasteland as I

Even though I was hella disappointed at my personal loss; fine educated black man.  I knew I was to broken for things to work.  Fast forward a year and tons of soul work later.  I was blessed enough to have a date with another handsome, educated black man and this time no tears.

2. Jumped head on into small business ownership

Depending on your frame of mind this may seem like madness.  Who in their right mind decides to start a business while being the solely responsible for a one year old. Insert hand raising emoji here.  I had a passion I’d been harboring for over a decade.  Herbal medicine.  While earning my over priced baccalaureate degree I developed a passion for herbs.  As a result I educated myself through books and coursework.  In 2007 I made my first formulation for a family member and I’ve been creating ever since.

Up until about a year ago I was content with only helping my family and friends.  Then one night I sat awake in bed as all great thinkers and innovators do and pondered what is the use of having a passion for something and not pursuing it? At that moment I decided to look a little deeper into what it would mean and take for me to run a small business.  I enrolled in the Ignite Your Biz boot camp, a series of 4 FREE sessions facilitated by the Black Business Initiative (BBI) and Sistahprenuers.

I was hesitant, period. I have 4 kids,  2 in college,  I didn’t feel like I could invest in myself and my passion the way I wanted to. Hell the way I needed to. During the course of those sessions a new program being piloted by the facilitators was discussed.  Scale up, a program designed to help minority entrepreneurs improve the sustainability of their business and gain the business capital they need. I reached out on a whim and found out I might be a good candidate.

After debating myself incessantly I decided to jump.  This has been the free fall of a lifetime. I never realized how passionate I was about my business until I had to share that passion with others.  I have laughed, cried, danced, re-branded, built a whole new website. The list goes on and on and I am only beginning.   Since the relaunch of my website I have had regular visitors and regular sales I hope will continue to grow. I account that to help I’ve received through the Scale-up program. I’m am constantly inspired, pushed to go beyond the limits of my own ideas and thinking. So far my products have been well received and I am so excited to see where all my business will take me.

FAILURE

1. Inconsistent Blog Life

Nothing to do here but call a spade a spade.  Despite my best laid plans to keep it together I fell off, way off. I mean does anybody still read this blog besides you?  Okay okay maybe I’m being dramatic but seriously being consistent matters in every area of life. Writing this year has been a struggle for me. For once the chronic over sharer had no desire to share. I chose not to write at times just because I have no clue how to avoid authenticity. I didn’t want to discuss my personal pain when I felt like I had finally gotten to place of so much joy. I didn’t mind telling all of you, but even more so I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was struggling, depressed and exhausted.

However from this small failure this year I once again have learned something new and been reminded of something old. Even though our stories may not be the same we grow individually and as a collective when we share those stories. Whether it is the joy, the pain or the sorrow and rock bottom, belly of the beast days. Your tests are a testimony to the resilience of the human spirit. The wonderful things that can happen when you forgive, especially yourself and when you keep pushing towards better.  Better us, better communities and a better world. They are also for me, proof that God is with me in every step good or bad, holding my hand or holding me when I need him to giving me the strength to succeed or fail and plain old #JUSTBE