So just over a year ago, I announced that I had decided to put my pussy up and go where my heart was leading me with God. Well naturally after 20+ years of fornicating it hasn’t come without some challenges….
Now that I’m celibate doable men seem to be everywhere, on every corner. Y’alls 18 y/o son’s, your daddy, hell your grandpa all look like viable options. I don’t know if that is just my vag talking trying to convince me to just take one hit it won’t hurt anything, but good Lord Jesus the sexy quotient has increased exponentially. I find myself trying not to smile or make eye contact because honestly I think I’m still at risk to be weakened by my desire. This in itself is a potentially self limiting variable because how does one meet her future husband if she is practicing invisibility? Of course these feelings are natural, but I’m on a path of self discipline and that includes denying myself to live out the words God has given me. Even if my vagina is still trying to do her own thing. In the meantime I just keep telling myself I’m in charge.
Media induced spasms
Outside of the fine ass men in my general vicinity, the interwebs, the movies, and television are filled with ‘I’d do hims’. Not only are these men good old fashioned eye candy, but those in the acting realm feed right into a level of visual fantasy a sista just can’t handle. Anywhere in between the softest most heartfelt kiss, to the outright clothes ripping frenzy is enough to rob me of my sleep and have me asking God to turn off my vagina. Since he seems to be making me hold out for good old fashioned menopause, I find myself changing the channel or not tuning in at all more and more. The only thing I haven’t quite given up yet where I know darn well I have no business being is the Beard Gang Matters group on fb. This group just oh my Lord in Heaven! This group chile is a ‘I know’d der is a God’ type of group. I’m sure there are some unattractive men in there but I have yet to come across them.
Outside of all the visual stimulus, is the taunts of everyday music. Nothing like hearing all the nastily delicious stuff someone in theory can do to you with the push of a button or swipe across a screen. It all seems as readily available as any old drive-thru. As much as I could go for a good old fashioned no.5, hold the mayo, I find myself having to police my first love: music. Music has the strangest ability to set, change, or even nullify your mood. I’ve had to bypass all the Trey Songz, Jeremih, and modern day hip hop in turn for Gospel and some good old Motown love songs. At this point you’re probably thinking this chick is weak! Well no. I’m not by any means weak, and there ain’t ‘ner notta’ nobody that’s going to just randomly tell me what to do. But this is all about the power of suggestion. If you hear and see something often enough you will eventually be open or susceptible to the idea. Don’t believe me? I challenge you to change your radio station or streaming genre consistently for a week or two.
While the few days associated with ovulation clearly aren’t the end of the world, it can be a hair raising 3-5 days in the life of the consciously chaste. As a part of the ovulation process your hormone levels start to peak about 2-3 days before an egg is released. To your uterus that is great timing because since sperm can live up to 5 days it might win the baby lotto. For those of us on a vaginal-vacay these are some the roughest days in the month. Around ovulation estrogen in cahoots with testosterone and progesterone cause a peak in sexual desire as well. That means your wetter(increased vaginal secretions), more attuned to pheromones, and more likely to fantasize or have wet dreams. Wait, ‘wet dreams’? I know, I know and yes women just like men can orgasm in their sleep.
In my lowest moments of desperation I find myself bargaining with God. There is nothing funnier than trying to convince yourself that Its okay to break the rules just a little bit. Saying things to myself like ‘God knows my heart’ while contemplating crossing the invisible line I’ve drawn in the sand. I’m sure my thought process is not to different from anyone else trying to convince themselves something is okay. Arguments like since God forgives surely he’d forgive me one more time, right? And is premeditated sin worse than random sin? All the while the whole world seems to be frowning on me like I’m a special kind of stupid for believing in something they think they can’t see or touch. For denying myself something so natural in hopes of a better connection and understanding with the supernatural. In the midst of my struggle God always seems to find a way to remind me he’s right there with me. Even the days I want to dive head first off the celibacy wagon into some bs, He has my back. What awaits me at the other side of this forlorn journey? God only knows, literally. In the meantime I’m buying extra blankets because it just might be a long winter……