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2 Successes and A Failure: Celebrating Me

Every year in October as I approach my earth-a-versary and personal New Years eve, I spend some time reflecting on the last year and most importantly measuring my growth and progress. Now if you’re all about besting yourself in the game of life like I am then I hope you celebrate the victories and the defeats.  Naturally over the course of 12 months I have more than 2 things occur that equal success and by far more than 1 failure.  Even though some of them may be small as the saying goes slow progress is better than no progress.

SUCCESS

1. Tear-less date night

Okay so that may have you thinking I’m crazy,  but its a real victory for me.  My first date after my relationship with my son’s dad dissolved and months after the birth of my son was great.  The gentleman who took me out was just that a gentleman.  He was kind and thoughtful, very attentive and of course handsome.  There was just one problem I wasn’t ready.

I unfortunately didn’t realize I wasn’t ready to date yet until I cried myself all the way home and ultimately to sleep.  I tried to pull my head out of my ass because I knew I would be missing out on someone amazing,  but eventually I had to just let it go.  He by no means deserved to be strung along while I got myself together,  lest known used a stepping stone to get there. He also didn’t deserve to be drug through my metal and emotional wasteland as I

Even though I was hella disappointed at my personal loss; fine educated black man.  I knew I was to broken for things to work.  Fast forward a year and tons of soul work later.  I was blessed enough to have a date with another handsome, educated black man and this time no tears.

2. Jumped head on into small business ownership

Depending on your frame of mind this may seem like madness.  Who in their right mind decides to start a business while being the solely responsible for a one year old. Insert hand raising emoji here.  I had a passion I’d been harboring for over a decade.  Herbal medicine.  While earning my over priced baccalaureate degree I developed a passion for herbs.  As a result I educated myself through books and coursework.  In 2007 I made my first formulation for a family member and I’ve been creating ever since.

Up until about a year ago I was content with only helping my family and friends.  Then one night I sat awake in bed as all great thinkers and innovators do and pondered what is the use of having a passion for something and not pursuing it? At that moment I decided to look a little deeper into what it would mean and take for me to run a small business.  I enrolled in the Ignite Your Biz boot camp, a series of 4 FREE sessions facilitated by the Black Business Initiative (BBI) and Sistahprenuers.

I was hesitant, period. I have 4 kids,  2 in college,  I didn’t feel like I could invest in myself and my passion the way I wanted to. Hell the way I needed to. During the course of those sessions a new program being piloted by the facilitators was discussed.  Scale up, a program designed to help minority entrepreneurs improve the sustainability of their business and gain the business capital they need. I reached out on a whim and found out I might be a good candidate.

After debating myself incessantly I decided to jump.  This has been the free fall of a lifetime. I never realized how passionate I was about my business until I had to share that passion with others.  I have laughed, cried, danced, re-branded, built a whole new website. The list goes on and on and I am only beginning.   Since the relaunch of my website I have had regular visitors and regular sales I hope will continue to grow. I account that to help I’ve received through the Scale-up program. I’m am constantly inspired, pushed to go beyond the limits of my own ideas and thinking. So far my products have been well received and I am so excited to see where all my business will take me.

FAILURE

1. Inconsistent Blog Life

Nothing to do here but call a spade a spade.  Despite my best laid plans to keep it together I fell off, way off. I mean does anybody still read this blog besides you?  Okay okay maybe I’m being dramatic but seriously being consistent matters in every area of life. Writing this year has been a struggle for me. For once the chronic over sharer had no desire to share. I chose not to write at times just because I have no clue how to avoid authenticity. I didn’t want to discuss my personal pain when I felt like I had finally gotten to place of so much joy. I didn’t mind telling all of you, but even more so I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was struggling, depressed and exhausted.

However from this small failure this year I once again have learned something new and been reminded of something old. Even though our stories may not be the same we grow individually and as a collective when we share those stories. Whether it is the joy, the pain or the sorrow and rock bottom, belly of the beast days. Your tests are a testimony to the resilience of the human spirit. The wonderful things that can happen when you forgive, especially yourself and when you keep pushing towards better.  Better us, better communities and a better world. They are also for me, proof that God is with me in every step good or bad, holding my hand or holding me when I need him to giving me the strength to succeed or fail and plain old #JUSTBE

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365 Days(and counting) of Celibacy 

So just over a year ago, I announced that I had decided to put my pussy up and go where my heart was leading me with God. Well naturally after 20+ years of fornicating it hasn’t come without some challenges….

General Lust

Now that I’m celibate doable men seem to be everywhere, on every corner. Y’alls 18 y/o son’s, your daddy, hell your grandpa all look like viable options. I don’t know if that is just my vag talking trying to convince me to just take one hit it won’t hurt anything, but good Lord Jesus the sexy quotient has increased exponentially. I find myself trying not to smile or make eye contact because honestly I think I’m still at risk to be weakened by my desire.  This in itself is a potentially self limiting variable because how does one meet her future husband if she is practicing invisibility? Of course these feelings are natural, but I’m on a path of self discipline and that includes denying myself to live out the words God has given me. Even if my vagina is still trying to do her own thing. In the meantime I just keep telling myself I’m in charge.

Media induced spasms

Outside of the fine ass men in my general vicinity, the interwebs, the movies, and television are filled with ‘I’d do hims’. Not only are these men good old fashioned eye candy, but those in the acting realm feed right into a level of visual fantasy a sista just can’t handle. Anywhere in between the softest most heartfelt kiss, to the outright clothes ripping frenzy is enough to rob me of my sleep and have me asking God to turn off my vagina. Since he seems to be making me hold out for good old fashioned menopause,  I find myself changing the channel or not tuning in at all more and more.  The only thing I haven’t quite given up yet where I know darn well I have no business being is the Beard Gang Matters group on fb. This group just oh my Lord in Heaven! This group chile is a ‘I know’d der is a God’ type of group. I’m sure there are some unattractive men in there but I have yet to come across them.

Auditory overload

Outside of all the visual stimulus, is the taunts of everyday music.  Nothing like hearing all the nastily delicious stuff someone in theory can do to you with the push of a button or swipe across a screen. It all seems as readily available as any old drive-thru. As much as I could go for a good old fashioned no.5, hold the mayo, I find myself having to police my first love: music.  Music has the strangest ability to set,  change, or even nullify your mood.  I’ve had to bypass all the Trey Songz, Jeremih, and modern day hip hop in turn for Gospel and some good old Motown love songs. At this point you’re probably thinking this chick is weak! Well no. I’m not by any means weak,  and there ain’t ‘ner notta’ nobody that’s going to just randomly tell me what to do.  But this is all about the power of suggestion.  If you hear and see something often enough you will eventually be open or susceptible to the idea. Don’t believe me? I challenge you to change your radio station or streaming genre consistently for a week or two.

Ovul-apocolypse

While the few days associated with ovulation clearly aren’t the end of the world, it can be a hair raising 3-5 days in the life of the consciously chaste.  As a part of the ovulation process your hormone levels start to peak about 2-3 days before an egg is released. To your uterus that is great timing because since sperm can live up to 5 days it might win the baby lotto. For those of us on a vaginal-vacay these are some the roughest days in the month. Around ovulation estrogen in cahoots with testosterone and progesterone cause a peak in sexual desire as well.   That means your wetter(increased vaginal secretions), more attuned to pheromones, and more likely to fantasize or have wet dreams. Wait, ‘wet dreams’? I know, I know and yes women just like men can orgasm in their sleep.  

God splainin’

In my lowest moments of desperation I find myself bargaining with God.  There is nothing funnier than trying to convince yourself that Its okay to break the rules just a little bit. Saying things to myself like ‘God knows my heart’ while contemplating crossing the invisible line I’ve drawn in the sand. I’m sure my thought process is not to different from anyone else trying to convince themselves something is okay.  Arguments like since God forgives surely he’d forgive me one more time, right?  And is premeditated sin worse than random sin? All the while the whole world seems to be frowning on me like I’m a special kind of stupid for believing in something they think they can’t see or touch. For denying myself something so natural in hopes of a better connection and understanding with the supernatural. In the midst of my struggle God always seems to find a way to remind me he’s right there with me. Even the days I want to dive head first off the celibacy wagon into some bs, He has my back.  What awaits me at the other side of this forlorn journey? God only knows, literally.  In the meantime I’m buying extra blankets because it just might be a long winter……