Tag: self love
She Needs to be Taken Down a Notch
Don’t let any man redefine your definition of YOU
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Fell Off the Celibacy Wagon……
It is no secret that my journey in being and remaining celibate has been a struggle. It is also one that I ultimately lost a few battles with. At the time it was so easy to succumb to my most primal of desires. Sex is like a drug because it activates the same hormone pathways in your brain. Naturally, I found myself guilt ridden and angry afterwards. I had managed to maintain my self control for 18 months, only to flush it all and be back at square one in a matter of minutes.
So why does it even matter so much? Well first there is the understanding that my situation won’t change until I do. In the process of deciding what things I yield some level of control over in life and what things I wanted to do differently, having a sexual relationship very easily ended up on the chopping block.
Even though I have a pretty healthy relationship with sex and my personal sexuality; I wanted a different relationship overall with sex itself. Sex in many ways I felt clouded my judgement. Being caught in the patriarchal paradigm of what it means in society for a woman to have the audacity to have had more than one partner can leave many a woman (myself included) locked in a less than favorable situation. Therefore in an effort to master myself, and also find the traits I value most in a mate, I put sex on the shelf.
So I’m sure some of are wondering if it was worth it. All I can say to that is in this instance satisfaction is subjective. In the moment was it enjoyable absolutely. Was it worth it in relation to my long-term goals and desires? Probably not.
The sexual encounter was an entirely selfish interaction. I was only concerned with I wanted in that moment there was no give and take. Its important to note that I’m not referring to a physical reciprocity, but rather an emotional one. I now see sex between two uncommitted people as an act of aggression. They both take something from each other they can never give back.
In the process of forgiving myself, I was able to reflect positively on the things I learned about myself through falling short of my goal temporarily. First I reminded myself that even though I was made perfectly my actions won’t always reflect that. I’m human and mistakes and failure come with the job description. Whether or not I learn from them or dwell in them is a choice. A competitor by design I can’t stand when I fall short, but the champion in me is always satisfied to finish. Even though I lost this round and let it drive me a bit bananas; I’m back on the wagon and not looking back.