Now considering what it appears that I accomplish over short or long periods of time, it would seem that I am always up to or doing something. But that in itself is an untruth. Some tasks require they be handled right away and expeditiously while others are on my when I get around to it list. My standard 9-5 job is on the expeditious list. I knock those tasks out like a cookie with a staring problem just begging to be ate.
My personal life and the business I do on the side lacks that certain Je ne sais quoi. I meander my way
through it and often only write when I give myself an unruly deadline or need to siphon off some serious emotion. So needless to say consistency is not my forte. Plus I lack an ability to stay on task. Do I have a ADD? Perhaps I can rarely have a straight through conversation on topic, and my one friend who seems best able to jump around the spectrum with me is definitely ADD so who knows, but I’m not getting diagnosed anytime soon so in the meantime I’m forced to pretend I can police myself.
Despite the fact that I have scores of finished poems, enough for three books, I have more unfinished than finished. If I have an idea or a thought I have to record it somewhere or it will be gone forever, I know this is fairly common for others also. It starts a simple thought that quickly builds into a complete idea, process or partial poem and is lost forever in the abyss of my mind if not recorded in a matter of seconds. I have insomnia sometimes due to excessive imagination. I’ve seen many a movie; comedies, dramas, action flicks, that have played out nowhere other than my imagination. The movie character I relate with most is Walter Mitty. Unlike Walter though I usually only drift off in my own bed.
So how do I accomplish anything you wonder? The sweet stress of procrastination! It lights an inextinguishable fire under me when I start getting closer to the deadlines for specific goals. On occasion I like to do things in a timely manner but generally to get the best out of my brain function I either procrastinate or drag it out over an extended period of time with random spurts. Kind of like how they teach you to run a marathon. You run for x number of minutes, then walk x number minutes and so on until you run the whole way. I just tend to keep walking.
Some might say that just shows that I am not really passionate about what I do, or that I am not driven. Both of which are false, I’m just not consumed by my passions or desires. My dreams outside of my work and my children are the back burner late night inklings that occasionally see day while I help my children plant and water their dreams. I don’t believe because I’m a mom I can’t have dreams, I just believe I can’t have mine at the expense of theirs. In the meantime I’ll be occasionally on my hustle and everyday on my ‘Walter Mitty’.
Originally published 2/4/2016